insurance. bleh.

so, a few days ago, i was having a conversation with one of my dearest friends, madeline. she and i have been close since high school, and now, with my latest move, we live in different states. this is difficult for us, because madeline is pregnant with her first child, and she is the first of my really close friends to have a baby. i wish we lived in the same place. but we don't, so alas, i have to content myself with communicating with her via text messages and phone calls, and seeing her every once in awhile. and i have already promised that i will be waiting in the hospital when she has the baby.

the conversation that madeline and i were having involved her health insurance or, rather, her lack thereof. her pregnancy had come as a surprise to her and her husband; they had always intended to have kids--but not until that elusive "someday." someday, when they had jobs that gave them health insurance.

see, madeline and her husband both work--and work hard. her husband works for a small company that isn't yet big enough to offer its employees insurance. madeline teaches courses for several community colleges in the area; she makes a decent yearly salary, but because she doesn't work full-time at any one school, she doesn't qualify for benefits. so now, with the baby coming, they are struggling. "we can pay for the doctor's visits out-of-pocket, but just barely," she told me. "now we're trying to save up for the hospital stay and the delivery and the epidural--because that's where it's really going to get expensive."

now, about six months ago, before madeline found out she was pregnant, madeline and i had a discussion about health insurance.

"why don't you buy health insurance on your own?" i asked her. "i pay $85 a month for a really basic plan. it's not much, and it's not even close to what i had at my job, but it's better than nothing."

madeline replied, "we can't afford it. if we bought health insurance, we wouldn't have enough money to pay our bills."

at the time, i felt bad for her, but grateful that i wasn't in her shoes. but a few days ago, as we discussed her pregnancy sans health insurance, i realized, i am in her shoes.

i can't afford health insurance, either.

if all of my bills are overdue but i am making sure i have $85 in my account for health insurance, i can't afford it.

after that conversation, i was beginning to realize that my monthly health insurance payment needed to be axed. but what clinched it was when i went to walgreens the next day to pick up a prescription. as the lady handed me my prescription, i asked her, "ma'am, could you please tell me how much my insurance saves me on this?"

"i sure can," she said. she punched a few keys on her keyboard and then said, "it saves you $1." she paused, then added, "so basically, it saves you nothing."

well, i wouldn't call a dollar nothing, especially in my current situation. but what that made clear to me is that my insurance doesn't do much for me. and i don't even use it when i need it...like about a month ago, when i injured my foot but refused to go to the doctor because i didn't have the money, even with my insurance. my foot still hurts; at this point, i'm pretty sure i broke or fractured a bone or two in it. i think a muscle injury or something would have healed by now. but i still can't go to the doctor.

so i cancelled the health insurance. and while i was at it, i called my car insurance company and slashed my car insurance to liability only, which saves me about $40 a month.

i really hope that in the near future, i will have a job or an assistantship that provides me with health insurance. until then, i am joining the ranks of the uninsured. it's scary. but it's what i have to do right now.

mysterious ways.

so i got some money in my account today. got caught up on bills. that feels good, but not as good as i thought it would, mainly because i still have so much debt to attack and it feels overwhelming. i'm not discouraged...i just felt really sad today.

but you know, i believe in god, and i believe in signs. and i feel like sometimes god is telling me, "everything is going to be fine. you have to go through trials to make you stronger, and i will never lay a greater burden on you than you can bear, nor will i let you lay a greater burden on yourself than you can bear. and i'm looking out for you. we're going to work together to make it through this, and it's all going to be okay."

his words, not mine.

i haven't yet talked about our dogs. sam and i have two sweetheart dogs. arthur is about 70 pounds, and henry is about 10 (although that's really a bit too much for his breed; he's a little fatty. he likes to eat. he gets that from me). they are best friends, although they do have spats like any other set of siblings. arthur thinks he is a lap dog, while henry thinks he is as big, fierce, and scary as a rottweiler.

anyway, to go back to the first topic, i got a big sign today. after i paid all my bills, i started making a list of things we need in the house. one of the things was dog food. i wondered to myself if we should buy the biggest bag available, which is the better value, but is, of course, more expensive. i could have spent less than half on a much smaller bag. on one hand, i knew that we should buy the biggest bag, but i didn't know if i was willing to lay out all that money just then.

sam and i headed out on our shopping trip while i was still mulling this over in my head. as we reached the bottom of the stairway, we saw a large, nearly full bag of our exact brand and exact variety of dog food sitting next to the door. there was a note taped to the bag that read, "if you have a dog, please take this food. my dog died, and i don't want it to go to waste."

well, my heart broke. i can't imagine what i would do if anything happened to arthur or henry, and i wished i knew which neighbor had left the food so i could visit them and express my condolences and thank them for being so kind as to leave out the food for someone else. sam hauled the bag up the stairs to our apartment. we were both incredibly relieved to not have to worry about dog food as an expenditure for awhile. i took out a notecard from my desk and inside i wrote, "we are so sorry about the loss of your dog. thank you so much for the food. our dogs love this food, and we are all very grateful. thanks again, your neighbor."

i left the card in the spot where we found the bag of dog food. when sam and i got back home, it was still there. i hope the neighbor who left the food finds the card soon, and i hope that he or she is doing okay.

god has a plan for each of us. i truly believe that.

getting ready.

paycheck still hasn't come in, but i'm getting ready for when it does.

i haven't done any major grocery shopping in awhile; first we moved, then we visited my parents' house, then...well, we had no money. but later this week, that will change. and when it does, i want to be ready to spend my grocery money in the most frugal way possible.

i am starting a price book, modeled after the one that amy dacyczyn lays out in the complete tightwad gazette. (i love love love this book...bought it off the bargain book rack at barnes & noble when i was in college.) i've always been intimidated by some of amy's more in-depth math...i'm terrible at math. but who cares? a price book is math i can handle, and i'm at the point where i'm ready to take that on.

i also downloaded a new app on my iphone for tracking my spending. it's called money smart, and not only does it let me balance my accounts, i can also use it to keep track of my bills and track exactly where my money goes. i can create my own categories to track my purchases. it's really useful, and i'm enjoying it.

in addition to money smart, i also downloaded an app called debt tracker. this app lets me keep track of every debt i have and set up a repayment plan based on dave ramsey's snowball method. i haven't been brave enough to lay out all of my debts in this one yet. but i will.

creditors are calling incessantly, because i am late in paying them. man, i can't wait to get caught up on all my bills and not be behind ever, ever again. and then i can't wait to be out of debt and never, ever be in it again. that's a long way off, but a girl can dream.

my hero.

well, sam paid the at&t bill. we are on the same plan, and his phone got disconnected, too. i am paying him back as soon as my paycheck comes in which, as it turns out, was the victim of a date mistake. so i should have my money by the beginning of next week.

so...still broke. still waiting for my paycheck. feeling sick with guilt that sam paid that bill, even though i am going to pay him back, because he is broke right now, too. but god love him, he is postponing leaving me for as long as he can and for that, i am pretty grateful.

refrigerator is pretty much empty, save for several bottles of assorted condiments, a couple sticks of blue bonnet, and a half-full jug of milk. we are going to make a trip to sam's club next week, as soon as my money comes in, so we can make a good grocery trip and split the bill. so while we don't have much to eat around here right now (half a box of frosted flakes, half a box of cream of wheat, a can of cheese ravioli, a couple of packs of chicken ramen), one thing we do have in abundance in this kitchen is rice. jasmine, basmati, medium grain, you name it: we love our rice. we also have a lot of spices; we are also big fans of spices. others might have a cupboard full of spices that languish unused for years (like my mom, for example), but we are not those folks. sam is actually a really talented cook; i spend hours poring over a recipe, hoping that it turns out okay, while he can just hop into the kitchen and whip up something brand new in a few minutes and it will be fabulous. being engaged to a man who is such a prodigy in the kitchen is intimidating and exhilarating at the same time.

anyway, i had anticipated being able to go to sam's club today, or at least to the grocery store, so we could get a little more food in the house. because of the paycheck mishap, that didn't happen. instead, i got creative with some basmati rice. i got two and a half cups of water boiling, and then i added a cup of rice, a couple tablespoons of margarine, about a teaspoon of salt, and about an equal amount of cumin. i let all that cook up, and then when i put it in bowls, i added a couple of tablespoons of worcestershire sauce (one of those assorted bottles of condiments in the refrigerator that i mentioned earlier) to each bowl and stirred it up.

this was pure improvisation, and i'm proud of myself, because it actually turned out pretty great. i'll remember this little dish for later.

"then the clouds opened up and god said, 'i hate you, alfalfa.'"

so...today at&t disconnected my service. temporarily, of course.

this is because i owe them a lot of money.

i was supposed to get a paycheck today. of course, it did not show up in my account this morning.

which begs the question--how am i supposed to call about my missing paycheck when my phone won't work?

oh, what a life.

i might stab myself in the head with a fork.

so, in the middle of the night, yet another debit came in that overdrew my checking account...yet again. this debit was for $1--the toll that i paid when sam and i were driving back from my parents' house. for that $1, i got charged $35.

but i'm in the black again, thanks to my saintly mother. still overdue on all those bills, though.

for the past couple of days, i have had a splitting headache. like, it felt like my brain was attempting to pop out the left side of my head. it was a sick headache; i felt nauseous, and i was exhausted all the time, so i slept through most of the day today. i chalked it up to stress. i tried everything that we had to cure it--i dosed up on tylenol and slept all i could. then i realized two things.

one, i usually treat headaches with excedrin migraine, but i didn't this time. i generally keep excedrin migraine in the house, but i ran out about a week ago, and since i haven't been in a financial position to buy more, i haven't. i've been taking tylenol, which what we have in the house because it is the only pain reliever sam can take because of his ulcer.

two, i usually have one diet soda (or two, or three...) every day. but for the last couple of days, i haven't because, again, i haven't been in a financial position to replenish the refrigerator. sam and i did do some grocery shopping when we got back from my parents' house, but we did not get soda because we thought it was unnecessary--i know it's not good for me, and sam can't drink it anymore anyway...again, because of his ulcer.

three, when i woke up today, sam was fooling around with the blender, making ulcer-safe concoctions. he made one for me that had milk, half a banana, and vanilla mocha mix. sounds gross, i guess, but i gulped it down, and in a few minutes, i felt like a million bucks. well, maybe not that great, but i did feel better.

i am pretty sure this headache (not to mention the nausea and the tiredness) is a symptom of caffeine withdrawal. if i had just taken an excedrin migraine when it first started, it would have vanished, because excedrin migraine is chock full of caffeine. if i had drank my daily soda, of course it would have vanished. since i drank sam's experimental drink that had a little bit of coffee in it, my head got a lot better. but because circumstances combined in just the right way as to deny me my daily dose of caffeine, i've been in some pretty severe pain.

not that i'm complaining too much. i know soda is bad for me, anyway, and if i can get through the withdrawal and switch to water, i'll be a healthier and more financially solvent person. and i know that had i managed my money better in the first place, i would have been able to have either excedrin migraine or soda in the house, and i wouldn't be in this position. but still...it's unpleasant.

ugh.

and it keeps getting better.

so, today i logged on to my bank of america checking account for no other reason than god put a bug in my ear that i should probably give it a look. seriously, i have no idea why i did it other than the idea just popped into my head. i knew how much money i had in the account (or so i thought), and i wasn't expecting any new debits or deposits to be made yet.

oh, how wrong i was.

it turns out that three debits had not been taken out of my account when i gave $1.84 as my checking account balance. oh, no. those three debits came in today. little piddly things, like $1.90 for fountain sodas for sam and me when we were on the way back from my parents' house. and with each debit that came in, i got hit with a $35 overdraft fee. so those three debits added up to about $15, but the fees for the bank covering those debits added up to $105. plus, whenever i overdraw my account, i have it set up so that the checking account automatically pulls money from my savings account to cover it. unfortunately, as i mentioned yesterday, the savings account only had thirty-one cents in it. and whenever the checking account has to pull money from the savings account, bank of america charges me a $10 fee for that transfer.

it's all just a ridiculous amount of fees coupled with irresponsibility (albeit unintentional irresponsibility) on my part.

sam offered to give me enough money to get my account back in the black. i refused, and instead called my mother and explained what happened. she readily agreed to put the money in my account the next day, and i made an addition to the total amount of money i owe her and absolutely will pay her back.

i can't wait until the end of this week, when i will have enough money to bring all of my accounts current.

bah. i think that now i will eat a huge bowl of rice and butter with salt to numb the sadness and frustration.

waiting.

i hate to do it, but i have to be honest with myself, and i have to write down how this feels, so i remember it and never, ever let myself get into this position again.

as of today, i am overdue on several of this month's bills. this has never happened to me before. i've always been able to meet my minimums on time. always. i have always prided myself on always paying my bills on time, even if i do have a lot of debt. that's the only thing that's keeping my credit score afloat. but i'm not that person this month.

i started this little blog project being overdue on my at&t bill. well, it still hasn't been paid. nor have an american express bill, two separate mastercard bills, a carecredit bill (had to open this account to pay for a root canal on an excruciatingly abscessed tooth and a cavity filling), and a walmart card bill (well, this one isn't technically overdue yet, but it's due today, and it ain't gonna get paid today). i also have a scheduled automatic transfer of $20 from my checking account to my savings account that happens every month on the 20th, and that can't happen because, as of today, the balance of my checking account is $1.84. and the balance of the savings account that the money is always transferred to is $.31. yep, that's thirty-one cents. that's because lately, as soon as that automatic transfer was made each month, i'd transfer it right back to my checking account because i needed it.

this sucks.

i feel completely worthless. terrible. sick to my stomach.

to be honest, i could get out of this situation pretty easily. i could call up my mom and have her deposit some money in my account (putting myself into even more debt--because i will pay back every red cent that she has lent me thus far). i could ask sam for money, and he wouldn't hesitate to help me. but i will not do either of these things. that's not a way to fix this. i have to change my habits, my priorities. i have to enact change for the long term. i have to take care of myself. i must take responsibility for myself.

i have paychecks coming in at the end of this week, and i should be able to get all of my accounts up to date with that money. but in the meantime, i am waiting and savoring this feeling of sinking, this feeling of hopelessness and failure, because this is what will keep me going when it gets rough down the road. i never, ever want to feel this way again.

the house that built me.

i've been out of my little blogosphere because sam and i made a visit to my parents' house for a few days. it was a really terrific visit, and we had a great time.

i've already mentioned that i really, really love my parents. they are amazing. and they truly outdid themselves on this trip. i spent a tremendous amount of time sitting on the front porch, savoring the amazing view and a good book while listening to birds sing. sam spent a lot of time helping my dad out with a building project my parents have going on the house, and now he has some lovely tan lines.

sam and i have been on a search for a good, used microwave. in the apartments we have had in the past, microwaves have been built in. this new apartment is actually the least new apartment we have ever lived in. don't get me wrong, it's in good shape, it's in a safe place, and it's certainly great for my budget, but it doesn't have a microwave.

i could live just fine without a microwave. sam, however, was just diagnosed with an ulcer, and several of his favorite foods (i.e., foods that don't make his stomach hurt) are frozen microwaveable meals. so we want to have a microwave in the house.

the cheapest new microwave we were able to find cost about $40. we were sure we could find a more economical alternative, so before we went to my parents' house, we went off on a mission to find the one thrift store in our new town, a salvation army store that, according to google, had about three different locations. the first two addresses that we used caused the gps to lead us to an empty field and a forest, respectively, but finally, on the third attempt, we found the salvation army store.

of course, we did not find a microwave there. "no big deal," we said. there are several great thrift stores in the city where we used to live, and we have to drive through that city to get to my parents' house, so we decided to stop on our way.

i swear that the first rule of thrift store shopping is as soon as you go shopping for something specific, you will never find that thing you want and/or need. i think the last time i went thrift store shopping, i saw at least three or four microwaves. no luck this time, though. we didn't find a single microwave. not even a junky, falling-apart one from the seventies that weighs about three tons.

we weren't about to give up hope, though, and we weren't about to buy a new one. we decided that the next course of action was to do some heavy yard saling during the coming weekend. when we got to my parents' house, we told them about our plan to obtain a microwave for our apartment.

my mom said to my dad, "honey, don't we have a microwave in one of the houses?"

my parents own two rental houses, one of which is currently vacant. apparently there was a free-standing microwave in the vacant house. my parents offered to give it to us.

"no way," we said. "we won't take it without paying you for it."

my dad responded, "we won't let you have it if you pay us for it. we'd rather you use it than some random tenant. we know you'll take care of it."

after some more wrangling about paying/not paying, we finally agreed to take the microwave. as it turns out, this microwave is nearly brand new, and it would have cost us around $140 if we had bought it new. we are so incredibly grateful to my parents.

but they weren't done yet. a few days later, sam, my parents, and i made a trip to sam's club in a neighboring city. actually, we went to the city because my parents are in the middle of a building project and they needed to pick up some supplies from lowe's. but they were curious to find out if sam's offered better prices on a few of the things they needed. so we stopped. we browsed. and my parents decided that they needed a sam's club membership. sam and i were thinking that a sam's club membership might be something we would look more closely at a little bit in the future.

as my parents were establishing their account, my mom asked the lady behind the desk, "can we add our kids to our account?"

the lady responded, "of course you can. for an additional fee."

"no, mom," i said. "that is really sweet of you, but you don't have to do that."

"we know we don't have to do it," said my dad. "but we know you'll use it!"

"at least let me pay you what it costs to add me to the account," i wheedled.

"nope," my dad said.

and that was that.

so after a lovely visit with my parents, we returned to our new apartment in our new town with a new microwave and a new sam's club card. we are both terribly excited, for different reasons. i am thrilled at the opportunity to buy staples (flour, rice, etc.) in bulk at rock-bottom prices. sam is excited because some of the aforementioned favorite frozen foods are available there for him to buy in bulk. we know that sam's club and costco and places like that can be a trap if you let them. but we are confident that we will use it to our advantage. and we are so thankful that my parents gave us the opportunity to do that!

a proud moment.

today, i was proud of myself.

i went into walmart to pick up something for sam.

the candy aisle was calling my name.

i was craving something chocolaty.

i picked up a box of chocolate covered cherries and went on my way, on to the back of the store to pick up what i was there for.

as i made my way to the cash register, i looked at my box of chocolate.

“do i need this?” i thought. “will i die if i do not eat these chocolates?”

“okay, a little dramatic,” i conceded to myself.

then, “would i rather have these chocolates or financial freedom? these chocolates or law school?”

the chocolates went back on the first shelf i passed. i apologize to the unfortunate walmart worker who will find them as he stocks shelves later tonight and will have to return them to their rightful place to wait for someone more financially solvent to purchase them. but i was having an epiphany, okay? surely you understand.

it was a good day.

two more pieces to the puzzle.

besides all of the debt i have to get rid of, there are a couple more major financial pressures that i have to address soon.

the first one is law school. i know, i know—i’m already overeducated. but law school has been a dream of mine since i was a child, and while i don’t want to be a corporate attorney or anything like that, i would like to be able to work on cases that affect my field.

once i finish law school, my days as a student will be 110% done. i can’t think of anything else i could possibly want to study. i will have every drop of the education i need to do anything in this world i would ever want to do.

sam wants to return to the states after a year or so and work on a ph.d. i want to go to law school at the same school where he wants to pursue his doctorate.

according to the website of the law school i want to go to, law school will cost approximately $32,649, including estimated room and board, books and supplies, and personal and transportation expenses. i would like to be able to pay for it without taking out any more loans, but i know that’s a tall order.

heck, everything i’m attempting to do right now is a tall order.

have i mentioned that i have terrific parents?

well, i do.

don’t get me wrong, we have our disagreements. but overall, i could not ask for better parents. they are loving, supportive, caring—basically the best parents a kid could ever ask for.

i’ll probably talk about them more in a later blog entry, but i bring up my parents because my second impending financial obligation has to do with them (not including the money i owe my mother).

see, my mother has always dreamed of going to italy. i studied abroad in italy during college, and i came home raving about the beauty, the food, the culture, the art, pretty much everything about italy. since then, a trip to italy has been paramount on my mother’s to-do list. “before i die, i have to go to italy,” she says.

my dad, on the other hand, hates to travel. he just prefers to stay at home. but that doesn’t mean he doesn’t want to give my mom everything she dreams of. so, a couple of months ago, he approached me and asked me if i would be able to accompany my mom on a trip to italy next year. may of next year, to be exact.

he is going to pay for everything for her—he is going to buy her airplane ticket and then give her money to spend however she wants. he is going to present all of this to her at christmas of this year, and then my mom and i will spend the next five months planning, making hotel reservations, etc.

this trip will cost around $3,000. technically, of course, i really cannot afford to pay my way. but i don’t want to say no. i don’t want to tell my dad that i don’t have the money, and i really don’t want my mom to not get to go to italy, because my dad simply will not go. my dad has worked so hard to save to give this trip to my mother. so even though i have already been to italy and this is probably the least financially opportune time for me to be attempting to return, i will cobble together the money, and i will go, because it is my mom’s dream. also, my mom and i have always been great traveling buddies, and this just might be our last traveling hurrah together before i am a married woman.

so there it is. yet more outlandish, crazy goals.

you may say i’m a dreamer…but i’m not the only one.

iqra.

i got a check in the mail today, a returned security deposit for the apartment that sam and i just vacated. we got almost all of it back, which was good. what is not good is i still don't have enough money to pay my at&t bill.

i am currently reading money: a memoir, by liz perle. it's really terrific, and sections of it really speak to me. i'll have a longer post about this book after i finish it, as it really deserves further discussion.

that's all for today.

eyes on the prize.

one of the main reasons i decided to chronicle this debt attack journey through a blog is because i know that as time goes on, i will need to have this to keep me on track, to hold myself accountable. by the end of this month i will have a little bit of money in my bank account, and that’s when the trouble will start. it’s really easy to maintain my laserlike frugality focus when i have no money. at those times, frugality isn’t a choice—it’s the only way.

but when i have money, i lose focus. i think things like, “well, i’m not broke. i can afford to treat myself with a soda from sonic.” then it’s, “well, i’m not broke. i can afford to get a happy meal for lunch. mcdonald’s is economical. gobs of calories for so little money!” and then it’s, “i’m not broke. i can afford to get sushi for dinner. i’ll get it to go so it will be cheaper!” of course, all of this rationalizing is obviously flawed to everyone but me, and the resulting choices add up, and then i’m wondering where all my money went and why i don’t have enough cash in my account to pay my at&t bill.

i also decided to start this blog because i love to write. i’m not so great at it, but i enjoy it, and since my readership consists of me, myself, and i, i guess the quality of my posts doesn’t really matter.

my wonderful sam took me to a movie this weekend. we saw sex & the city 2. now, this should shed some light on what a terrific partner i have; i’m a major sex & the city fan, and i’ve been looking forward to this movie for months, and my (male, heterosexual, sports-loving) fiancé took me to the movie on a date. at some points i think he would rather have sawed off his big toe than be there, but he went. and he discussed the movie with me afterward. what a guy.

unfortunately, while i was impressed by sam, i was not impressed by the movie. i adored the sex & the city show because, while it was about fashion (and sex), it was mostly about the relationships between the four main characters. don’t get me wrong, i love fashion. i will pore over the pages of vogue for hours…without ever expecting to own any of the clothes on display. i understand and observe the ridiculous materialism that goes into producing an issue of vogue. but i like nice things. audrey hepburn is my style icon. i admit (somewhat abashedly, as this is intended to be a frugality blog) that i own a couple of gucci bags and a louis vuitton (i have to point out that they are all vintage and were all purchased very used on ebay at rock bottom prices, and their authenticity has been confirmed, so while it wasn’t the best use of my money, it was a great deal). i enjoy analyzing style and good taste in fashion (which, to be honest, seems to be pretty much absent in today’s pop culture). but i don’t spend time thinking that chasing a birkin bag is going to make my life better.

but back to sex & the city. even when fashion was ostensibly the main theme of the episode, there was something else to be said. like the episode when carrie got to be a model for dolce & gabbana in a fashion show—the real theme was, when you fall on your face in life, you get your butt back up and keep going. hopefully with at least a little bit of class.

the movie, however, was nothing but a display of, “look how rich we are! and look how much richer we look in abu dhabi!” and alongside it was some dreck about how, “look, middle eastern women actually like cute clothes! and they can read, too! wow!”

yeah. i will watch episodes of sex & the city on dvd until the end of time, but it’s time to let the franchise die. if they had let it go with the end of the show, it would have faded gracefully into history with its elegance still intact. now it’s going out like an old lady with makeup pancaked onto her face and sinking into her wrinkles, wearing a miniskirt and dancing on a table at a bar. you can’t look away because it’s just so horrible yet fascinating…but at the same time you just wish someone would pull her down off that table for her own good.

full disclosure.

in my last entry, i talked a lot about sam, my fiance. this is because he was essentially the catalyst for my financial epiphany. however, there is still more to say, which might clarify my financial situation a little bit.

sam is not from the united states. i met him while he was here studying on a scholarship. the culture in his home country is vastly different than the one i was raised in, and we don’t speak the same first language, which, in my opinion, makes the success of our relationship thus far that much more awesome. we want to be able to spend at least some years living in his home country, a place where i don’t speak the language (although i am learning). therefore, my job prospects in his country might be limited. this is a huge reason why i am on a mission to knock down my debt.

sam knows that i have debt. he has none. his undergraduate education was free in his country, and his graduate work was paid for by a scholarship from his country’s government. he did have some consumer debt at one point, but was able to pay it off earlier.

sam does know that i have debt to pay off, and he knows some of it is student loans and some of it is on credit cards. however, he does not know how much of each type i have, nor does he know the total amount. i’m simply not comfortable disclosing it. he hasn’t pressed me to give him this information, but i have told him that i will disclose totals to him closer to the time when we will get married. he doesn’t seem worried about it, which i am grateful for. i just want some time to make the number smaller before i have to disclose it.

sam will be returning to his home country in a month or so. his passport and visa are about to expire, and he wants to get a job as soon as possible—one of the stipulations of his government scholarship is that he has to spend a certain amount of time working in his country. so for an amount of time that is yet to be determined, while i am working on my ph.d. and sam is working in his field and navigating the marriage bureaucracy in his country, he and i will be on opposite sides of the earth. neither of us are looking forward to this necessary separation, but we know that it’s the best thing for our future together.

what the separation does mean is that i’ll have free rein to test out and perfect new frugal techniques that i can continue to utilize once we are together again. sam isn’t a spendthrift, per se, but he doesn’t see the need to compromise on things he believes we need. for example, i once tried to make our our own dishwasher detergent out of borax, washing soda, and lemonade mix. the recipe worked well for the first few times we used it. but after a couple of days, for some reason, the homemade detergent turned hard as a rock and refused to be scooped neatly into the dishwasher. we had to use a butter knife to chisel sections of detergent away from the big rock and place them in the dishwasher. i would have done this until we used up the detergent rock and then tried again with a different recipe, but after going through this chiseling process a few times, sam surreptitiously threw away the detergent rock and replaced it with a package of those little cascade multi-pack things—just drop one in and it’s done. convenient, but expensive. oh, well.

another time i instituted a ban on dryer sheets. i researched methods to take static out of clothes in a more economical way. i filled a spray bottle with fabric softener from the dollar tree, cut up into rags an old, ratty pair of sam’s shorts that were languishing in a drawer, and took to spraying a few squirts of fabric softener on a rag and tossing it into each dryer load. sam humored me for a few loads. but after his t-shirts started coming out of the dryer with more static than a bunch of balloons, he quietly bought a big box of dryer sheets and placed them in the cupboard next to my spray bottle of fabric softener.

yet another time i stocked up on dishrags from the dollar tree ($1 for three) and outlawed paper towels, which are disposable and therefore represent—to me, at least—money simply thrown away. after sam had to clean up a mess of doggy puke with a cloth rag, he went on a trip to walmart and came home with a six-pack of paper towel rolls.

so, while sam does support my frugal nature, he is less willing to make do with more economical choices than i am. don’t get me wrong—i adore having sam next to me. that would be the ideal situation. but i’m regarding this imminent separation as an opportunity to do a lot of good work on myself and my habits, improvements that can transition into our marriage. that can only be good for our future, right?

the story continues.

my current financial situation can be summed up thusly: i have no steady job. i am a freelance writer for demand studios (i could write a whole other blog entry about this gig, and i probably will at some point), so that brings in some income. also, i teach online courses in my field for a university in a different state.

no, i am not lazy. trust me. for the three years i was a full-time student working on my master's degrees, i was also working full-time in my field. throw in a two-hour commute each day, and let's just say that most weeknights during that time, two or three hours of sleep was all i could manage.

after i finished my master's degrees, i resigned my position effective later in the year, because i planned to move to another state to work on my ph.d. but, as it so often does, life interfered.

see, i'm engaged. meeting sam, who is my best friend as well as my fiance, is what changed up my life plans. he's the main reason my credit card debt skyrocketed. but he's also the reason i got my butt in gear about addressing my ever-mounting debt.

now, when i say that he is the reason my credit card debt skyrocketed, i'm not blaming him. i am a big girl, and i make my own choices. but, as is often the case, in the beginning of our relationship, i didn't feel comfortable saying to him, "look, i don't have the money to do that." he had (well, has) more money than me, and money never seemed to be an issue for him. but i also didn't feel comfortable with letting him pay for things--i was raised to be an independent woman, as i think many young ladies of my generation have been. so lots of things, including several trips, got put on credit cards. we made amazing memories, which are priceless. unfortunately, i'm now paying interest on them at a ridiculous rate.

anyway, back to the interference with my life plans. sam was working on a degree in the town where i was living at the time i got my ph.d. acceptance. he wasn't able to transfer to my ph.d. university. we wanted to stay together. we decided that i could put off moving for a year.

so i did. since i had already resigned my position, i started looking for another job in my field in which i could work during this gap year, one that didn't require the soul-crushing commute. no luck. i ended up not working for a year, living on my savings and the odd income that working online provided me. financially it was (and continues to be) a stressful year. personally, however, it was the best year of my life. sam's and my relationship blossomed to the point where it's (dare i even say?) about as close to perfect as any relationship can be. i no longer have any compunctions about saying, "look, we can't do that because i can't afford it." in fact, i no longer have any compunctions about discussing anything with him. during this year, we decided to get married when we were ready for such a step.

this decision made me realize that when sam and i get married, and especially if we have children, i want to have the option of choosing where, when, and how much i want to work. i can't imagine becoming completely dormant in my field; i've worked too hard to get where i am. but i want to be able to have freedom in my choices. i don't want to be chained to a job in a particular place because i have boatloads of debt to pay down. previously, while i was cognizant of the amount of debt i was taking on and always tried to be somewhat frugal as a result, i never really imagined being married or having to consider what i would do if i had a family. i just always thought that i would find a steady job someplace whenever i completed my education, and then i would slowly pay down my debt, maybe for the rest of my life, and that would be that.

but i won't settle for that now. i can't. it's not just me to consider now--it's the potential family that sam and i have together. i crave financial freedom and peace of mind in my life from here on out.

now that sam has finished the degree he was working on, he has moved with me to the university where i will get my ph.d. i might have a teaching assistantship waiting for me--i am still waiting to find out about that. i am hoping and praying for that, as it would mean a full tuition waiver as well as a monthly stipend. if i do not get an assistanship, the debt will pile up further as i take on more to pay my tuition, and i will hopefully take on more online classes to teach as well as secure a part-time job here in my new town. i have a plan either way, but still...i pray every day that i get that assistantship. i guess all i can do at this point is wait, hope, and pinch my pennies.

chapter one: i am born.

i am broke.

broke, broke, broke.

broke as a joke.

i have $20.19 in my checking account and my cell phone bill is overdue. take that, at&t. they have crappy customer service, anyway.

no, i wasn’t being seriously flippant about not paying that bill. although i was being serious about at&t’s customer service.

my name is emma jones. okay, that’s not my real name, but a pseudonym is absolutely necessary for this kind of life disclosure (at least for me). i am going to try to keep all identifying details off of this blog, as privacy is paramount in this venture.

but i need to do something to keep me on track. this blog may be just what i need.

see, i’m in debt. a lot of debt. it could be a mortgage on a pretty nice house in some parts of these united states. but i don’t own a house.

no, it’s student loan debt. and some credit card debt. and some debt to my mother. yep, i even owe my saintly mother.

some might say that i am overeducated, but i don’t believe that anyone can ever have too much education. however, some might also say that if you have more education than can comfortably pay for, you’re overeducated. i would digress on that, too, as i wouldn’t trade a single one of my degrees to have a chunk of my debt erased.

i have two bachelor’s degrees, two master’s degrees, and am currently plugging away at a ph.d. no, i’m not incredibly indecisive; all of my degrees are related, and the reason i have two of two different types of degree is because the requirements for the degrees overlapped, and so while it may not seem like i’m very good with money, it made both fiscal and professional sense to pursue the second of each at the same time.

i won’t disclose exactly how much debt i am in at this point; maybe i will later on down the road. that’s just too much to me at this point. i’m easing into this. but i’ll say it again—i am in a lot of debt.

this blog is about my quest to eradicate my debt, avoid further debt, and begin to live the life i continually dream of. don’t get me wrong; my life is pretty great as it is, even with the debt albatross around my neck. i am an incredibly lucky woman. but i’m not where i want to be, and i’m sure a lot of other women out there can relate to my situation. i am holding myself accountable to the internet. oh, yeah, and to my own well-being.