waiting.

i hate to do it, but i have to be honest with myself, and i have to write down how this feels, so i remember it and never, ever let myself get into this position again.

as of today, i am overdue on several of this month's bills. this has never happened to me before. i've always been able to meet my minimums on time. always. i have always prided myself on always paying my bills on time, even if i do have a lot of debt. that's the only thing that's keeping my credit score afloat. but i'm not that person this month.

i started this little blog project being overdue on my at&t bill. well, it still hasn't been paid. nor have an american express bill, two separate mastercard bills, a carecredit bill (had to open this account to pay for a root canal on an excruciatingly abscessed tooth and a cavity filling), and a walmart card bill (well, this one isn't technically overdue yet, but it's due today, and it ain't gonna get paid today). i also have a scheduled automatic transfer of $20 from my checking account to my savings account that happens every month on the 20th, and that can't happen because, as of today, the balance of my checking account is $1.84. and the balance of the savings account that the money is always transferred to is $.31. yep, that's thirty-one cents. that's because lately, as soon as that automatic transfer was made each month, i'd transfer it right back to my checking account because i needed it.

this sucks.

i feel completely worthless. terrible. sick to my stomach.

to be honest, i could get out of this situation pretty easily. i could call up my mom and have her deposit some money in my account (putting myself into even more debt--because i will pay back every red cent that she has lent me thus far). i could ask sam for money, and he wouldn't hesitate to help me. but i will not do either of these things. that's not a way to fix this. i have to change my habits, my priorities. i have to enact change for the long term. i have to take care of myself. i must take responsibility for myself.

i have paychecks coming in at the end of this week, and i should be able to get all of my accounts up to date with that money. but in the meantime, i am waiting and savoring this feeling of sinking, this feeling of hopelessness and failure, because this is what will keep me going when it gets rough down the road. i never, ever want to feel this way again.